Monday, March 24, 2014

Random Rants about work

Bismillah Al Rahman Al Rahim,

I had a rough start of 2014. It was like a hailstorm. Work kept on coming on and on and on and on. I was struggling to breathe. I was choking. Desperately searching for air. It went on for almost 3 months now. My life was all about work. I wake up, goes to work at 9am, and finishes at 3-4am. Monday - Saturday. If I'm lucky enough to get a break on Sundays. It was tough, really. I broke down a couple of times too. Yeah I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I find it challenging, mentally, physically and spiritually. Sometimes I work so hard till I reach to a point where I ask myself. Why? Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you making yourself go through such pain? And to what benefit? Are you sure you'll gain something out of it? How sure are you? Are you good enough?

Its like a cancer I tell you. It'll just keep on growing. Bigger and bigger and bigger till it becomes so big and heavy for you to handle. Then you'll breakdown in tears. Let me tell you what happened to me lol.

I had a bad argument with my client cause I think she was pretty stressed up with her work, she couldnt handle her work anymore, her plate was too full. We were arguing over a small matter actually (when i think about it again lol) but i guess I felt angry for being mistreated. I mean, I'm not your punching bag or for anyone else if you may ask. I mean, do I look like a place where you can throw your tantrum whenever you like? It was very unprofessional and scary. Scary if you ask me. Scary how stress can change a person.

So I stormed out from the meeting room to the bathroom. Sat on the toilet bowl and weep like a baby. Oh god, how immature of me. But yeah. I had a long good weep (Note there, I use the word weep. So i did not cry my eye balls out lol) oh whatever. But anyhow, to my surprise I felt so much better after that. I guess needed that. You know that feeling that got tied with a strong knot in your heart. Yeah like one of those feelings where I just untie and let my emotions take over me.

When you're a senior or holds a higher position whereby you have colleagues who works under you, you somehow need to find that courage, strength, perseverance, durability to endure any obstacles that comes along your way. You can't be weeping infront of your team, then the whole team will collapse. You just gotta be that god damn pillars of strength. urgh!

Anyways, recently I've been having bad dreams. Dreams about work and obviously you know your work is unhealthy when it visits you in your sleep! Dreams of being yelled at by big boss and being humiliated infront of people. INTENSE I TELL YOU!

Then I started to realize that, there is no job better than giving you a balance in life. I dream for a job that requires me to come in the morning then goes back 5:30pm. Giving me the time to workout at the gym and comes back home for dinner with family. I pray that HE will light up my way to somewhere I can have that balance in life. InsyaAllah.